much has happened here

Looking at a house. Arranging our furniture and planning a garden. Maybe we won't be able to get it.... but....
Much has happened since I last posted. We have found a house we like, I had a sleepless night due to manic racing thoughts leading to the fear of going high (scarier than low), med changes, depression has lifted and I am suddenly quite busy in my muddled kind of way. All of this is connected. I have hesitated to write of my latest mental health dramas because that's all I seem to write about at this point, but I want to write about finding the house and all that goes with it. Which includes a side serve of mental health drama.

Anyway about two weeks ago I was looking at real estate online, in an area close to ours but which I haven't really considered seriously before. And I found a house that met all my criteria for a price I think we can afford. Two big bedrooms, a smaller third bedroom, enough living space, an eating space adjacent to the kitchen, a garage, close to parks and creek walking trails, close to school and most importantly, not needing any renovation. And that night before I'd even seen the house I lay awake in bed, mentally arranging the furniture and decorating said house. And I realised how wonderful it would be to leave this house and all the work it needs, the unrealised dreams we had, the clutter, the sense that it would never be right and start again. To start afresh. It was like a giant boulder  was lifted off me. However once I'd thought my thoughts, I couldn't stop thinking them and my mind raced and raced. It wasn't unpleasant, I was warm and cosy in bed but I couldn't sleep at all and that worried me. As dawn broke, I got up because I was really, really hungry and ate a ham wrap at the kitchen table, thinking maybe then I would go to sleep for a couple of hours. But no. I called my doctor and left a message and went back to bed, exhausted but fully wired.

I spent the day tired and wired. Worried that I was heading for a manic episode. Anyway it turned out I could take some medication leftover from ages ago and it would calm me down and help me sleep. Which it did. It turns out I am still needing to take this medication and have been advised by my doctor to take it for another couple of weeks. For the most part I love this medication, for the calm amongst the excitement and for the sleep at night. I don't love the major side effect though. It makes you really hungry and slows your metabolism. Bummer. So it will never be a long term treatment.

Anyway I had recovered enough by the next Wednesday to go and see the house that prompted all this. It was good but not great, it seemed a lot smaller without the wide angled lens. Grace didn't like it much. But I kept thinking about it. But when I went to look up the times for the next open, it had already sold! Before auction! But there was another one just listed. Almost identical! We've been to see it with Dad and Nina, who thought it would be great for us and we've been to see it on our own a couple of times just to check. It would be a big change, but I think it would be good. There are two things that might fall over, one the finance which has been approved in principle but not signed on the dotted line and two, of course we might lose at auction. It seems like a few people like this house. So we have the crassness of the auction on Saturday to see where the intersection of money and desire lies....

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