Spring winds

On the way to the dentist

Spring winds are making me grumpy and unsettled. The footy on the radio makes me think a finals season is not the same without Gerard. I'm lonely for him which comes and goes but seems sharp at the moment. I'm having regular nightmares too. One involved us moving somewhere in Essendon to a terrace house near Puckle street and when I went out for a walk I became hopelessly lost and couldn't find my way home. It got dark and rainy and no matter what street I turned down, I would feel close to home but couldn't find it. In desperation, I hailed a taxi which turned out to be a yellow sportscar driven by a really big woman who took up the front seat and back seat but with space next to her. She said she could take me home but I couldn't find my way into the one seat beside her. I woke up sweating and went to pat Rupert for comfort and he was lying on his back with his legs in the air, which I have never noticed before. Discombobulating. I could unpick this dream, it seems really obvious, but I think I wont.

I've realised following craft camp that I have nothing exciting happening in the next few weeks to look forward to. Life is not bad but it feels a bit sameish and I'm not feeling all that motivated to get on with things. So I've decided to start inviting people to dinner. We haven't really entertained since Gerard's wake. My heart hasn't been in it and the house has been in a constant state of grottiness and dysfunction. It's time though. I find myself planning the household jobs that must get done and what I will cook. And I kind of feel better. Then once the house was cleaned and the shopping planned, my friend cancelled because one of her children has the flu. We certainly don't want that in the house and I cooked a smaller amount of the dinner we were going to have (nori rolls and sticky chicken teriyaki drumettes) and we watched The Batchelorette instead. What a blokefest! Not in a good way though. Don't they realise they are going to be on national television. I suspect some of them drink too much.

Went to the dentist today and found out that the painful ulcer on the underside of my tongue is not some form of canker but a traumatic injury probably caused by a broken filling. Which was fixed. I really like this dentist, she is a big woman (why are there so many female dentists at the community dental service?) and has an aura that is calm and a bit queer in the best possible way. She also uses dental dams so they are not always sucking the moisture away from where they are working and everything stays nice and clean. My mouth is a bit sore still but everything feels better. Next thing to tackle is the cracked crown and then maybe a splint to stop me grinding my teeth at night. Can't wait. But really I am grateful for this dental service and their patching up of my crappy teeth.

The winds seemed to have peaked and died down. The mown grass has gone from green with squashy green mown bits to a less sparkling green with dry bits that have been partly blown away. And we are going to Queensland for Christmas which I am starting to look forward to. And the show next week, which is kind of half and half. We are having sushi carwash for dinner. All is good.

craft camp

Craft weekend

Craft camp, back to the studio

Today (and yesterday) I wore one of the tops I made at craft camp last weekend. I love the fabric but I can't really say it was a good make. A bit short, a bit wide at the neck and the shoulders sit a bit funny. But better than the other top I made which is too long and so big it flaps in the wind. Ah body dysmorphia, the feeling I get that nothing can be ever big enough. As if I am endless. Which I am not. Perhaps this is why I don't enjoy sewing clothes as much as I used to. Even though what I make is often so much better that what I can buy. Never mind, I can run it in at the sides and take it up. Might even inspire me to get started on my mending and altering projects.

Craft camp however was, as usual,  lovely. A smaller group than usual. Which had its own charms; room to spread out, easy to keep track of conversations, a lovely intimacy. That's not to say the larger groups aren't good too. ALL craft camp in ALL its form is good. For all the usual reasons, not the least of which is having food lovingly prepared for you and presented to you with no input from you. A rare treat for me, and I think one universally treasured and appreciated by all the women who go. I also appreciated feeling better than the last time and although one night I had bizarre dreams about being in the South Pacific and missing flights, I slept unusually well. Another thing I greatly appreciated was that Grace didn't crack the shits about me leaving her or going to stay with her grandparents. I did get pranked that she was drinking shiraz and amused by film of Rupert falling in the fountain at dad's place but it was a much happier parting than usual. Also I made her a deal and she got Dominos pizza (for the first time ever) in return for not cracking the shits. It was delivered fast and hot but it was very average really.

I feel a bit that I have already blogged all the blogs and taken all the photos that are possible at craft camp. There are only so many ways to say how good it is. I am just really glad that after ten or so years and lots of stuff in my life that it and the wonderful women that are part of it are still a regular part of my life. And that turning up at Sewjourn keeps feeling familiar AND wonderful. I really am thankful for all of that.

we have been watching "the bachelor"


I've been holding off watching The Bachelor for ages, thinking it a bridge too far, despite Grace's fascination with the show. We have other reality TV favourites; Survivor, MKR and Masterchef. I finally gave in because it meant that I could watch Offspring straight afterwards on live telly rather than waiting for catch up the next day. Which I guess is pretty shallow and follows a path of little resistance. Anyway I have to say that I find The Bachelor horrifying, absolutely squirm inducing horrifying but at the same time quite watchable and erm, kind of fascinating.

We decided the other night that it was a bit like Matty J was at a bakery tasting all the cupcakes and other bakery treats (except that they are mostly vanilla cupcakes because the women offered up for consumption are all more or less white with pretty hair, conventionally attractive thin bodies, and very white straight teeth) before he decided which one he wanted to take home and eat for ever, without ever looking at another cupcake or bakery treat. Some he takes a bite out of and goes, ugh pah, no thanks (but really politely because this is not MKR), some he bites and puts back, thinking I will come back and taste that one again later and compare it with the other ones I like. Some, sadly he never tastes at all. At this point he has narrowed it down to six lovely vanilla cupcakes.

One woman legged it and I am kind of (but not really) surprised that more of the women haven't done this. And no-one has refused a rose at any of the rose ceremonies or on any of the dates. Despite the revealing dresses and occasional pin the sticker on the penis, it is really quite decorous. The kissing is formulaic and staged, they talk earnestly about their feeling and values. It is seemingly all about the straight, white monogamous marriage afterwards. Which is why it is funny and odd and squirmy that he is choosing a partner from this group of women living like a harem. They might be in competition with each other but some women seem to get along quite well. My inner feminist is trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with it all - apart from the white, cis, hetro, monogamy fantasy - I mean none of these girlwomen have been forced into the show, they can leave, they are not without some degree of agency in all this. But still. Cupcakes.

I think some of my squirminess comes from the pursuit of a "traditional" monogamous marriage in a situation where he is simultaneously dating and kissing more than one woman. This does obviously happen in real life but the opportunity to string more than one romantic possibility along would be real for both the man and the woman. And then if they both wanted an exclusive relationship with each other, well that's when they would get "serious." At least I think that's how it works. However in The Bachelor it is obvious that many of the women are afraid to risk their hearts while he is still seeing and kissing other women. Yet the show and its drama demands it. Not to mention the ranking and humiliating voting out that is the rose ceremony. I wonder if there was real attraction and pairing whether it would happen behind the scenes and the rest is just a play out for television? It is awful this dating and relating performance, but why so watchable? Apparently we need to watch The Bachelorette when it comes on to compare. At least it leads to some interesting discussions about romance and why the real world is not like this. She might get to watch it, but not without some snarky mum commentary.