This afternoon in the still time after afternoon tea, I unraveled the sock toe I had been knitting for about the seventy gazillionth time. The yarn broke as I was pulling the first stitch of the next row tight. There was not enough of an end to tie it together and besides, who wants knots in the toes of their socks? I paused, ate a grainwave or two, listened to the old survivor video, felt frustrated about knitting and everything else, then reminded myself that many of the actions of knitting are coming back. It has been over two years and I'm surprised at how much I've forgotten but also how much my hands remember.
I've wanted to blog again several times since the last time but there is this little thing inside me that is saying that everything I want to write about is negative, about how hard everything is, about how I'm struggling still, even though the narrative is now that I am doing so much better. Well. I guess. Depends on what you define as better. I still procrastinate over stupid things. I don't do all that much in a day and my house and garden reflect that. I get puffed walking up the slightest incline. The new house (and new start) we were looking at fell through just as we were about to make an offer and I had already decorated it in my mind. It was beautiful.This dreadful virus has lingered and lingered. The honeymoon phase of the new drug is over and I can feel myself slowing a little. And I'm hungry. Always hungry. For carbs and sugar. But I will eat anything. Usually I can control myself to a degree but yesterday I did eat too much and it felt blech. My doctor said that this drug was weight neutral but people on the internet are saying otherwise. So is my hunger. We will see what it has done to my blood sugar in a month or two. Sigh. Yeah, negative is boring.
This afternoon as I was knitting I remembered the blue poncho I made while I was in hospital with post natal psychosis. We called it my Martha Stewart poncho because she made a similar one when she was in jail. Mum bought me in the wool and the crochet hook from home and probably helped me get started. I don't remember. I couldn't even remember who I was at that point and she used to write me bits and pieces in a book to help me try and remember. But, even though it was hard, I did remember how to crochet a simple poncho. It was a struggle at first and god knows how my family felt about it all, because maybe I wasn't coming back. But I did. And the crochet got easier and I could work for longer and longer at a time. I still wear the poncho sometimes but yikes.
Anyway. The power of handcrafts. I like how knitting something as slow as socks is gently iterative. I'm pleased that I have managed to get all my project supplies and the darning I need to do into one bag and I have a pleasant afternoon knitting habit again. Painfully small steps. But steps nonetheless.
I've been thinking about coming back to blogging. Quite a bit. I miss it. I miss talking to myself in that way and I miss talking to you, the audience, even if there are only three of you. Although I did like it back in the day when there were more of us blogging. Perhaps there is a new blogging tribe out there for me to discover. There are so many things I'd like to write about: books I've read, apocalyptic fiction and feminism, how it feels like we are at the end of days sometimes and yet I hope that we aren't, mental health and unhealth, single motherhood, grief, my plans for a new house with a dishwasher, bits and bobs that I am doing, living in a fat body and diet culture/fat acceptance and the weird spaces in between. Cooking. I'd like to write about cooking too. And living with a tween, but perhaps not too much about that, because well, not my story so much anymore. And, and, and. And I'd like to be writing fiction again after a long, long break. I write stories in my head all the time but they evaporate like weird dreams, leaving only fragments behind.
So I am sitting at my computer. Testing the keys. I've been sick with a cold for nearly two weeks and bored is starting to win over tired so hopefully the cold is nearly done.The last two years have been filled with a deep and unmoving depression that has been hard to shift. I thought it was me, I thought it was the pills, I thought it was my life then the pills. It was really, really, hard to do anything. Anything except sit at the kitchen table and read. I suspect reading has saved my life in more ways than I can count. I talked to my psychiatrist at length about this, about wanting to go off lithium, about wanting to see if it was the pills or me. Scared it was me. She was reluctant, mindful that I am a single mother and that I can't afford to crack up. I was desperate, willing to risk cracking up, being in hospital, being crazy if it meant I could get my life back.
As it turned out, things came to a head. Unsurprisingly my physical health has deteriorated as well. My fitness is at an all time low. Like really low and I know what I need to do but have been unable to take simple steps. I've put on even more weight, my blood pressure and cholesterol are now needing medication. Just until I can make the lifestyle changes necessary, my kindly doctor assures me. Then I had a hernia surgery about six months ago. It went really well but there was a cascade of other health effects and I ended up dehydrated, with my blood pressure medication not playing well with the lithium. This culminated into a descent into too high lithium levels. I was at craft camp and I couldn't craft, everything as really difficult, my whole left side was shaking. Two days later at the doctor I was saying how unwell I felt. I couldn't express how really. Just really unwell. That night my doctor rang me because the lab had rung him with my lithium levels. I stopped taking it. Just stopped which is apparently not what you are meant to do according to my psychiatrist. But it was like a line had been crossed.
The next few weeks were wobbly and I started a small dose of a new medication. It's OK. Well, better than OK. I'm not thirsty all the time so I sleep better at night because I am not getting up to wee every two hours. My feet are not (very) swollen. I feel like I have gained ten IQ points. I get bored and crave company, things to do.There's still a long way to go before I feel fully functional - my lack of physical fitness till needs much work- but I feel like I am back. And maybe like I have something to say again. Maybe.