Trigger warning: a mention of suicidal thoughts
Snow. We went to the the snow at Lake Mountain with two other families. It was really, like really cold and kind of blizzarding. I surprised myself by making a egg and bacon pie like Mum would have made and a cake the night before. Another surprise was that I was able to hire warm but bulky snow gear in my size. However I sat in the car watching the snow fall while everyone else went tobogganing. It was six months to the day since Gerard died. Watching snow fall and thinking about how we never went to the snow as a family even though we talked about it a lot seemed an appropriate activity. I also remembered how in my twenties I used to go cross country skiing and how I took that level of fitness for granted.
Craft Camp. As I was packing to go to craft camp I didn't think I would be ready in time or that I would be able to extricate myself from the chaos that is my house. Luckily I had a lift, so I had to be ready. Craft camp was so good, it was nice to see everyone and I was moderately productive and made a doona cover and some pillow cases. I still feel like I am in a hole, behind a wall a bit. But at the end I kind of felt like I was back. It was a good feeling and I was able to hold onto it for a while.
Downer. I went to look at Mum's house which was being prepared for sale with Dad which was good. Then he started talking about my health and his concerns. I've put on weight and my health and fitness is not great at the moment but this talk made me feel worse. Much worse. By the time I got home and to the safety of my room I was a crying mess and my big thought was "why wait? I'll just kill myself now". That thought did pass and I am not troubled by suicidal thoughts in general but it was intense while it was there.
Sun. We went to visit the family in Queensland. It was wonderful. We went to the beach three times and I went swimming in the sea twice. I didn't have to cook or really make decisions and that was really restful. It's a bit intense being around three children all outside their comfort zones but I think the melt downs were fewer in number than before. And it was wonderful to see everyone. If only air travel was a bit cheaper so we could go for weekends as well.
Yet another downer. Came home to knee length grass and head high weeds and all the disorder I left behind. (Although coming home to Rupert was so sweet - he was looked after by a friend while we were away and she dropped him home before we arrived so there was a little dog at the window). I know what I need to do but just can't seem to do it. Although I have been moderately successful at walking more. But gees it's hard. And yesterday as hot winds blew around the house, I lost it. Lay on my bed and sobbed. Needing hanky after hanky and many glasses of water. I miss Gerard so much. It's a cliché but it really does feel like a part of me is gone, among other things it feels like the bit that starts things is gone. It's hard to explain the degree of distress I still feel from time to time. It feels like I should be doing better now and sometimes I am, but not all the time. Everything is broken and I don't know which bits to start fixing first. Or I know, but it doesn't happen. Because that starting bit being broken too.
Some hope for the future. I might have some work coming up. That would be good. I'm going to see the doctor about all my niggly health concerns and talk about reviewing my meds. The weather is better. I should be less hard on myself. It is only 8 months since Gerard died and about 11 months since Mum died. Neither of these make any sense to me and I miss them so much. Of course things will be shit, but there are better times to come. I just have to believe that.