Caritas series

It's been a bit of a day. Windy. My thoughts are buzzing but I can't seem to get anything done, and getting things done seems important and attractive but probably isn't really. Well, not beyond the basics anyway. And I have been on the threshold of tears for most of the day. It's all a bit much. Mum has gone to the hospice, the same one Gerard went to for a weeks respite two weeks ago. She seems to be getting more and more frail and now has difficulty walking. I think she is being offered thickened water. To stop her inhaling it. Hopefully that will make her cough less. I can't imagine what it would be like to have thickened water instead of real water or other liquids. Anyway it seems as though she is having good days and bad days and will be staying there longer than first thought.

Today I had the thought that really, Gerard should be running things at home while I visit mum and go through all the things that happen when your mother is dying. I feel cheated. And a bit lonely. We are all talking about mum today and wondering what will happen but it is not like before. We had a big talk about things today and I think he is going to try and be softer, to swear less. And I am going to try and be nicer too. There has been too much yelling and it doesn't do anyone any good. It would be good to get to a point where we can work on things together. There is still a lot to do in the garden. We had a working bee here a couple of weeks ago and some lovely local ladies weeded and mulched the front garden. It is so nice to look at it now. The back yard on the other hand is full of weeds and vegetables gone to seed that tower above me. There are bits of things that have been done, like I have pruned the plum tree and the blackberry bush. But I need to get some tomatoes in.

We have friends coming to mind Grace and Gerard on Wednesday nights so I can visit mum. I hate asking but I am very grateful for the help. Actually for all the kinds of help that we are getting (help deserves a post on its own). Dad and my sister are also coming to visit. Mum is mostly fairly alert and with it but I wonder how long for. Like I said before, good days and bad days. I'm wondering how to get some more visits in and I think I might just have to take Gerard with me. And I think we will have a whole family visit on the weekend. Everyone thought that was a good idea.

But really, it is all a bit too much. And kind of fucked.


  1. Overwhelming. Just surviving, getting through this day, this moment, is as much as any of us could do, and it's quite a hell of a lot. xx

  2. Oh darling it truly is kind of fucked. I just hope that there is time in there for you to sit quietly with a cup of tea or a vodka.

  3. You are so often in my thoughts Janet xxx

  4. Janet it must be so hard for you at the moment dealing with things and now your mum is ill too. I hope she has more good days than bad. Accepting help is hard to do but it does help you out and just remember that people feel really good helping you too. I can just imagine that you need a good cry. Stress and health problems are probably the hardest in life to deal with and it does make people act angrily, normally more than they would. I too go through those stages in my relationship and it will get easier. Hugs to you and your family xxx

  5. My thoughts are with you Janet.