mowing the lawn
So I mowed the grass today, which was good. We've been talking about it for a few weeks so it needed it. I haven't mowed the grass in 15 years so I suggested to Gerard that maybe he could boss me around while doing it. Quite a few people have offered to do our lawn but I think I need to do it myself at this stage. I want it to be something I am capable of doing. It started badly, Gerard was pulling weeds while I combed and snipped the dreadlocks out of Grace's hair. She looked through the bedroom window and Dad was lying on the ground. She freaked out and I rushed out, suspecting the worst. It turned out that he'd been not as strong as he'd thought and had fallen down while trying to pull a big weed out. Crisis averted.
I enjoyed pushing the lawn mower around but it stopped frequently as I don't yet have the knack. We had to wait a while before it could be started again and during one of these breaks, I was sitting with Gerard outside, and I just started crying. About whether I could be a good single parent. About how he fixed my world when he moved in; nails were removed from walls, doors were hung properly, shelves were made, hooks were put up, things weren't broken any more. Most of all I was crying about the prospect of one day losing my best friend.
Dried my eyes and went back to mowing the lawn and in the next break, Grace was all sad and we had cuddles and talked about why she was sad and about how Saturday can be a sad day because after the business of the week, there's some time and space to be sad. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing but we have something planned for Sunday so that won't be sad too.