I don't think I have any room in my heart for any more sadness

Waiting, not an emergency but a concern

So sad. After dinner we watched some tv together, starting with What Really Happens in Bali, which made me think, why do people get that drunk? Are they complete idiots? Then Gerard put the news on. I could barely watch it, I don't think I have any room in my heart for any more sadness. But watch it I did. The toys and books on what looks like a wheat field, the armed soldiers. And then Gaza, all those people running, leaving their homes, getting hurt and dying. Faark. Humans can be awesome but right at the moment it feels like stupidity and fear are winning.

We spent about 5 hours in hospital at the emergency department today, which strangely made me feel like humans are awesome again. Hospitals are complicated and stressful but then so are the human bodies they are trying to fix. Gerard had a lot of leg pain last night and Grace woke me up this morning to say that he was having difficulty walking. It got better as the morning progressed but Gerard felt like it was something that should be checked out. Grace went to a friend's house (where she is always welcome, how nice is that?) and I took Gerard to the hospital via the service station because he noticed one of the tyres was really flat. So it turns out cars drive better with inflated tyres.The doctor thought that Gerard might have had a localised seizure in his leg or that the tumour might have been causing random pain, because apparently they can do that. Or it might have been something else entirely but as he is OK now, he is good to go.

Grace and I had another sad conversation today and I think she still feels a bit neglected. She could have come to the hospital with us today if she had wanted, but I don't think that is what she is after. I don't think she is used to seeing Gerard and I being together so much and not fighting. It's possible she hasn't really seen me be nice to him in the last 6 months. So this harmony is kind of weird. It's taken a while to get to this point but we are starting to work together and get on better, like the old days sort of. Which is good because are spending a lot, and I mean a lot, of time together. I'm trying to think of ways to make sure she is not feeling left out but I guess it's deeper than that. I'm scared about the future and I told her that. We had a cry together, she is pretty scared too. She wanted to know how long Dad has and the truth is we don't know, so that's what I said but she wanted to know more. So we did the chart, which is awful, and we discussed how Nana had done better than the median and that we had to hope that Dad would too. She wants the truth but it is hard. I talked some more about wanting to make each day as good as possible for all of us, but that sometimes Dad needs extra attention like today.

3 comments:

  1. Oh Janet. So hard. I hoped they checked for a dvt?

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  2. Janet, I wish I could take away some of bad from your life at the moment, I am so sorry for your troubles. Stay away from the news love, you have enough on your plate xx

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  3. Janet, I have read your blog since 2006 and I am crying now for you and your lovely family. You have had so much humour and courage throughout many struggles and I have always been inspired by your ability to gather friends and fun around you when the chips were down. Many other blogs have come and gone but somehow your way with words, honesty and creativity have made me loyal, even when sometimes I have felt may be I was being intrusive. I wish you and your family the very best of luck, may you be the exceptions and win this war. And if not, I know you will have honour and integrity as you face what comes. For what it's worth, this fellow human being is sending you love and kindness x

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