The first time Mum was in hospital, the oncologist kept saying cancer very definitely. We had been avoiding the word, talking about the lump and the mass. I started crying and she asked if I needed her to stop talking for a minute. It's been at least two months since then and I can definitely say the word now. Cancer. Mum has cancer. She's just had her third round of chemo and it is all kinds of shitty. I have to keep reminding myself that chemo is not the cancer. And that what works or passes for a routine one week might not be the same next week, or tomorrow even. I am trying to keep on with my own life as best I can while still trying to help Mum the best I can.
I said to Mum just after her first chemo that I was thinking about a bear and she rifled through her books and found me a pattern for a bear. It was pretty daggy but the construction method was intriguing. So I went away and thought about bears and bear ears. Eventually I came up with a bear, made it and left it on the kitchen table for Grace to discover in the morning. She loved it and named it Grizzle. I kept working on the pattern and I'm pretty pleased with the bears now.
Signed up for the Sisters Market a week ago and suddenly feel the need to get my website done and tend to all those little details needed for a proper stall. Business cards, paper bags, table, display stands of some sort and a way to take credit cards. And I need to make bears and other items. It's fun but a little nerve wracking. But I need to be working in some form. The other work comes and goes and at the moment it's a bit gone. I know it will be back but I need to work on having several sources of income. Or I will have to go back to customer service and I don't want to do that. It's good to be there when Mum needs me and not to be worrying about whether I can take this or that day off. Also I think my days of customer service are done.
The website has been a saga. I signed up for one host and made a big mistake and they weren't helpful at all. In fact I think they even told me the wrong thing and were patronising about it. Eventually I signed up for another host and they are much nicer. They have been helping me transfer my domain name and the tone of their emails is lovely. I think they genuinely want to help. Transferring my domain name has been like a saga quest. I didn't set up my google apps properly after registering the name through blogger earlier this year but after much searching and some trial and error I found a way in. It's convoluted but seems to have worked. Now I just have to wait until the weekend and then I can work on my website again. Oooh shopping carts, you excite me.
We didn't get to go away over the school holidays, a combination of Gerard's work, things with Mum and my commitments. So despite protests from the little one, we went on a family day trip. We decided to go to Avalon beach taking in as many op shops on the way there and back as possible. The beach features in Rats and Cats which we saw a while ago. It was great. Beautiful in a ramshackle way. Cleared the fuzz out of my head for a while.
Mum will have her fourth round of chemo next week. It makes me think of the dementors. It's hard and I'm just trying to focus on her being well again afterwards. Hopefully it will give her a really good amount of time.