5 reasons to love craft camp - even though I could probably think of 100

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1. I get to hang out with my people. My lady friends from the computer as I explain to Grace. You know who you are and you are all awesome and totally special. It is lovely to sit and chat, to catch up, to be silly and serious.
2. Removal from family. Gerard drove me up and as Grace had a pupil free day we turned it into family fun at the opshop and in downtown Lancefield. It was great until the day started to fritter away and it was time to be at Sewjourn. Luckily they were keen to make a move too.
3. Food. We say this everytime but it s great everytime. One meal. The rest get cooked for you, beautifully with love and care. Why can't real life be more like this?
4. Making stuff. Sometimes for me the craft gets a bit periperal but this time I came away with a mended long woollen house skirt, a bag of jumpers zip up top, a hoody for Grace - which she likes!, a denim skirt and an unwearable green top. It wasn't cut on the straight and it looks funny. Yeah, you win some and lose some. I also made some project bags for my knitting and started a pair of socks.
5. Taking pictures. They're all here. Actually that was a bit of a highlight for me this time. Especially the fog. I wish I'd taken some more standing in the middles of the road but it didn't seem such a good idea at the time as the fog was quite thick.

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always a little behind....

Craft camp was lovely but I haven't uploaded the photos yet. Always a little behind. It was hard going back to work last week and although Tuesday was crazy busy, being the day after a public holiday,Thursday was the worst for me. I was so angry after a customer provoked me that I needed to leave the floor to prevent explosion. I was well supported in this but it was not nice to be sitting in the tea room alternating between tears and rage. Particularly as I don't want to be there at all.

I think it would be fair to say that I am not doing my job with a view to the future any more. That I have let go already. I'm still trying to get it right but I am certainly not sweating the small stuff. It frustrates me that I am still there but we are working towards getting some things organised before I leave. Just need to hang on a little longer.

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I am finding that I feel OK, even sometimes pretty good, on the anti psychotic (olanzapine). Despite feeling hungry and thirsty all the time, creaky and sore in my bones and a bit sleepy and dull, the positives of olanzapine are well, quite positive. I sleep, I'm calm, I certainly don't have racing thoughts and thoughts about throwing myself into incoming traffic are much much less frequent. I still feel a level of tension - but it's distant. Nonetheless I feel that if I am working and stop taking the olanzapine then I would be messy again within a month or two. If I wasn't working then I think I could stop without too many ill effects. I also have this feeling at the moment that I really want to stop work because I don't like it at all any more and that I need to stop work because it is harming me. It's very hard to separate the two - the not liking work is such a strong feeling that it has become intertwined with all the other feelings. Sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up, that I am being a brat and why would I want to leave a secure job with good pay, good hours, generous super, doing useful work, and of course it's so close to home? Friends at work and not at work can both see why I want to leave. No-one has said leaving is a crazy idea. Quite the opposite.

Next time craft camp photos.

holding pattern

I don't really know what to say here. I've been back at work. Parts of it were shit and included asking for help, not receiving it and crying. Parts were nothing, much of it was quite dull and spent wishing I were somewhere else. It doesn't help that I've pretty much decided that I want to leave. It's just the when and how that keep getting twisted about and I supposed I need to keep going through the motions and doing the best I can until all the pieces come together and the way forward is a bit clearer.

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It's making me despondent though. Back when I was off work and started imagining possibilities of what I might do and how I might earn a crust, I felt a lot more positive. About life, about family, about pretty much everything. People are being supportive of my decisions and choices but somehow that has me feeling stuck and moving slowly through various actions. Much to my horror, I really do need to be a grown up and stick it out just a bit longer. Funnily another possibility surfaced in my mind after an interview with a customer who was telling me about their course. But as the days settle in to mid winter greyness and the increased medication regime takes hold, the possibilities fade away and all I really want to do is sleep. And on the way home from work, I look at the lines of speeding traffic on its way to somewhere other than here and think well, there's a quick way out. Of course I wouldn't do that, but the very thought is kind of disturbing nonetheless. I know that change is imminent, because things cannot stay like they are.

Luckily I've got something very fine to look forward to next weekend.