just like that

When I got off the phone to work yesterday, I felt light, elated. Good. Finally done it. Quit work. Just like that. No, I guess not just like that. It has been rather a long time coming. About a year really. I kept putting off the decision because it was only three days a week, close to home and paid well enough. But I could feel the stress of it getting to me again and that slip sliding into unwellness. So boring. So inconvenient. It might be a bit inevitable with all the peri menopausal hormones ranging around but I don't think it needs to be this bad. So I went to my doctor for a certificate and then I called work. It is all done bar the paperwork and a morning tea to say goodbye to my colleagues. Yes, just like that.
 All kinds of dodgu
So what made me finally do it? Well I guess Thursday was even more challenging than usual and close to the end of my day I was dealing with yet another customer who was somewhat more difficult than usual and I said something I really shouldn't have. I removed myself from the situation immediately and told a team leader and then locked myself in the ladies and sobbed. Great big sobs. A colleague and a social worker came to rescue me and no one blamed me or gave me a hard time but really, at that moment something broke and I knew I just couldn't do it any more. I guess I'm not the first person to decide to quit a job while crying in the toilets. The next day I found out that the loan we were seeking for the extension was unlikely to be approved. No matter, we had already worked out a feasible and much cheaper back up plan. One we can do with what we have, and as a bonus, less debt.
View from the lunchroom. With coke zero.
I still feel sick. A combination of not sleeping, anxiety and just a touch of the lovely gastro that's going around here. So I've given myself permission to rest up for a week or two. To lie on the couch and read books or watch movies, to just let things float by. Then I guess I'd better figure out what to do next. I'm so glad I've finally done it. Once I shut this door, I'm sure others will open.

long time, no blog

I think facebook and pinterest have taken away my will to blog. There's only so much time in the day for computer play and that's where it goes. Not sure that's a good thing. Maybe it is, I don't know. There's a lot about which I don't know at the moment. There's a big unbloggable thing in our life about which I have much to say but well, really I can't. It will all come to a conclusion sometime next year and that's probably saying too much. Everyone is not even being snarky about it on Facebook. I suppose all I can say that is that it is something that totally does my head in.
Waiting for trick or treaters
As does the prospect of leaving work and doing something else. Which I have ideas about but ideas won't maintain the household and what if I end up working twice as hard in the back yard button factory? I've really enjoyed making these buttons but lord, you would have to make and sell a lot of buttons in a week to live off said back yard button factory. Buttons don't mutter insults under their breath like I hear at work but even so working three days a week seems like such an easy gig. Except that it's hideous. Still. And I wonder what I would be like, how I would feel if I did leave. It feels as though the next part of my life won't come until I make this change but I fear I am not being realistic. I wish I'd jumped when I was really unwell. When I had an excuse, because it just doesn't feel very sensible right now and I know I am going round and round in a loop with this. Hmm. Actually my idea doesn't have that much to do with making buttons, but still. Fear.
Learning to make wooden buttons. As g says, nothing is as easy as you think.
I've been making lots of things for the fete and if I was ever going to have a crafty business, or really any sort of business, I would need to work on my getting out of bed and my time management skills. Anyway weekend before last I set myself a goal of making three things a day and I've slipped some days but on the whole I have kept making. There are some things I won't get around too but there is a box of sale items under my desk. Pinterest has come into its own here and I have loved seeing a picture, doing my own drawing and idea and then making something new. Today I'm going to make Japanese folded owls and angora monkeys if I have time. It's good looking up how you might do a monkey face or ears. Have also made tea towel and felt needle books, little glittery purses with much wonk that Grace loves, some quilted satin purses with fabric we found in the hard rubbish, a tapestry purse that I love so much that I might have to make some more, some fluffy bunnies that look a bit like guinea pigs and some weird cats. Oh, and some christmas trees and hearts for the tree. One of the other mothers asked me if items had to be made to a high professional standard and I felt a bit sad and like laughing at the same time but I think it's OK to make with joy and some creativity. The kids love this stuff. And I think the parents will like it too. When you make stuff as part of your routine you forget that other people will either think it is special or that you are totally mad for making a button when you can go to spotlight and buy much more durable plastic buttons for half the price. I get that, but I still like making and using the wooden buttons (and we have got to a better finish with the buttons already).
Double rainbow through dirty window
We're still working on the extension plan and it's freaking me out to be considering leaving work and doing this at the same time. The extension is enough to freak me out by itself but the the two together are a doozy.  So we've been thinking about a smaller extension. Less time to build, less debt and more money for a new stove and finishing. But I'm not sure we shouldn't still go for the dream extension but we have been talking and fighting about the smaller version, so we'll see how that goes.

I am loving my new phone and instagram in particular. Although today I feel like getting out my real camera too. But instagram is well, so instant. And cheesy and fun. I need cheesy and fun.

queensland holiday

It's nearly two months since our holiday in the sun, but nonetheless it must be blogged before I can move on to other topics, other photos. Oh how I miss my sister Betty and my nieces. It was great to see them and really, it was like we had hardly been gone at all. And yet, there is so much of the everyday and incremental life stuff that we both miss out on. So it is kind of bitter sweet looking back. This time was a bit of a last minute arrangement due to me getting some extra leave and I worried that we could really afford it but now nearly two months later we are pretty much caught up so I think there is a lesson there. And as Gerard said, go see your sister, what else are you going to spend your money on? He is generally very frugal, my Gerard, but he also has certain ideas about the usefulness of money and when it is better to spend it. I love that about him, I really do. He also said that taking Grace to QLD means that I am excused from all birthday party duty (apart from Grace's) which I didn't expect but there you go.
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Like always I took lots of photos. Of course I never take enough and I don't think there is a perfect one of the children all together. There are however quite a few photos of the children playing on my new phone. How I love my new phone - I was still learning how to use it then and it seemed to gobble up the power and fail when I needed it most but we are sorted now. And instagram, love, love instagram. It's bought me back to taking daily photos. None of this needing to upload them business. I would have even had enough pictures to blog while I was away if I had been so inclined. Of course I am still going to take and use photos with my big camera but an easy to use pocket camera is a beautiful thing.
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This time we spent some of the time staying in a hotel by the sea. It was a fabulous idea and it meant I didn't feel that I was simply swapping one domesticity for another similar one. It wasn't warm enough to swim in the ocean but the children gave the hotel pool and spa a good work out. There was a fabulous opshopping afternoon where Betty found some plates in a pattern I have been looking for for ages. They were a bit stained but have bleached up to perfection. For some reason the holiday vibe carried over to the time that we spent at their place too.  We went and visited the new house which is looking fabulous. It's exciting to think that on our next trip that's where we'll be staying. On our last day we went to the beach and it was just absolutely perfect. Blue skies, swimming in the sea. children in sun hats building sandcastles.

- - See all the photos here.