I don't really know what to say here. I've been back at work. Parts of it were shit and included asking for help, not receiving it and crying. Parts were nothing, much of it was quite dull and spent wishing I were somewhere else. It doesn't help that I've pretty much decided that I want to leave. It's just the when and how that keep getting twisted about and I supposed I need to keep going through the motions and doing the best I can until all the pieces come together and the way forward is a bit clearer.
It's making me despondent though. Back when I was off work and started imagining possibilities of what I might do and how I might earn a crust, I felt a lot more positive. About life, about family, about pretty much everything. People are being supportive of my decisions and choices but somehow that has me feeling stuck and moving slowly through various actions. Much to my horror, I really do need to be a grown up and stick it out just a bit longer. Funnily another possibility surfaced in my mind after an interview with a customer who was telling me about their course. But as the days settle in to mid winter greyness and the increased medication regime takes hold, the possibilities fade away and all I really want to do is sleep. And on the way home from work, I look at the lines of speeding traffic on its way to somewhere other than here and think well, there's a quick way out. Of course I wouldn't do that, but the very thought is kind of disturbing nonetheless. I know that change is imminent, because things cannot stay like they are.
Luckily I've got something very fine to look forward to next weekend.