always a little behind....

Craft camp was lovely but I haven't uploaded the photos yet. Always a little behind. It was hard going back to work last week and although Tuesday was crazy busy, being the day after a public holiday,Thursday was the worst for me. I was so angry after a customer provoked me that I needed to leave the floor to prevent explosion. I was well supported in this but it was not nice to be sitting in the tea room alternating between tears and rage. Particularly as I don't want to be there at all.

I think it would be fair to say that I am not doing my job with a view to the future any more. That I have let go already. I'm still trying to get it right but I am certainly not sweating the small stuff. It frustrates me that I am still there but we are working towards getting some things organised before I leave. Just need to hang on a little longer.

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I am finding that I feel OK, even sometimes pretty good, on the anti psychotic (olanzapine). Despite feeling hungry and thirsty all the time, creaky and sore in my bones and a bit sleepy and dull, the positives of olanzapine are well, quite positive. I sleep, I'm calm, I certainly don't have racing thoughts and thoughts about throwing myself into incoming traffic are much much less frequent. I still feel a level of tension - but it's distant. Nonetheless I feel that if I am working and stop taking the olanzapine then I would be messy again within a month or two. If I wasn't working then I think I could stop without too many ill effects. I also have this feeling at the moment that I really want to stop work because I don't like it at all any more and that I need to stop work because it is harming me. It's very hard to separate the two - the not liking work is such a strong feeling that it has become intertwined with all the other feelings. Sometimes I feel like I should just suck it up, that I am being a brat and why would I want to leave a secure job with good pay, good hours, generous super, doing useful work, and of course it's so close to home? Friends at work and not at work can both see why I want to leave. No-one has said leaving is a crazy idea. Quite the opposite.

Next time craft camp photos.

2 comments:

  1. All my instincts are saying that all your instincts are correct about your work.

    It is totally sane to want to get out of a place that can trigger stuff. Just saying.

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  2. Leaving that workplace is so NOT a crazy idea. Your instincts are most probably right.

    Having said that though - the last two months have mentally been a horrible time for me with some delayed PTSD from my surgery, and the last 3 weeks at work have suffered for it. I was ready to resign, it felt that bad. But a mood change (stupid brain) on Sunday night (seriously, like a storm of good mood. it was awesome and scary at the same time) and a sudden joyous new attitude to work on Monday made me realise that perhaps my brain was playing tricks on me the last 3 weeks. I mean - it's a job I absolutely love and have always wanted. Why would I want to throw it away?

    So I'm playing it by ear. I do suspect my brain is tricking me in MY situation. However in yours, your workplace just sounds fatally toxic and no "stupid brain" or anti-psychotics are going to change that. I'm glad you're making moves to get away from that environment.

    Sorry for waffling and going on about myself. What I really wanted to say was "BIG HUGS" and that I'm thinking of you.

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