What a difference a day makes. Yesterday there was far too much time on public transport. Taking the wrong tram, worried about being late for my appointment. Later, way too much time in the city, forgetting to refer to the (very) short list. Worrying about ringing work to say I won't be in next week either. Worrying about our upcoming holiday which I have been looking forward to. Worrying about taking a new/old medication as well as the one I am on now, as well as the sleeper. Worrying about how long it will be before I can come off the old medication. Worrying. And then with dinner, I take the first lithium tablet and the world doesn't end. Indeed I feel a bit better. It's not as if the new medication would really be working yet but perhaps it's the feeling of a plan starting to form. A wellness plan. I work on my self-talk and remind myself that I am good at my job, that I will recover. That mostly I don't feel like this. That there are things I can do. Indeed I have a pretty good conversation with my team leader. Of course, work doesn't hate me. It will be OK.
Today I wake a bit too early, thoughts racing and heart pounding but I go back to bed and breathe consciously and eventually sleep some more. When I get up, the sun is shining bright, the sky is blue and my chest doesn't hurt (and mostly doesn't hurt for the rest of the day). After breakfast (and a shitload of pills) my sister Betty rings to say she has sent the little sewing machine (for Grace eventually and as a spare for craft camp) and to expect a parcel next week. We talk and that is good. I spend the rest of the morning working on a stuffed lizard. Last week I asked Grace what I should make for a boy in her class who is turning 7 and she shows me a picture of a creepy rice filled lizard in a book. It is a bit ugly and complicated and Gerard thinks filling a toy that might get wet with rice is not a great idea, but I do have the green felt she insists on. I become obsessed with googling images of real and toy lizards and eventually make my own design. I worry a little bit about giving a boy a soft toy but oh well, that's our present for the moment. Grace pesters me to keep the prototype instead of it going on the craft stall for the school fete and I say yes because really I'm pretty chuffed that she likes the toys I make. At the party in the park I nab the last piece of birthday cake and watch my partner and daughter take turns putting an empty soccer ball pinata on their heads, staggering around with arms outstretched. It's funny and I note to myself that perhaps my sense of humour might be returning. The sky really is impossibly blue.