my shrunken head

This morning on the tram, en route to having my head shrunk, I started jotting down some ideas for posts to cover the rest of October. Because, as I'm going on holiday soon, and because I can't bear the idea of not getting to the end of October without posting every day, and because during my holidays I may not have access to a computer or feel like blogging because I'll be at the beach or hanging with my family or otherwise wanting to feel free of blogging type obligation, I'm going to start writing two posts every day. Does that do your head in? Well yeah, it freaks me out a little that I can't let go.

At the shrink's I talked a lot about feeling like I have too much on my plate, feeling that I am way too busy. Wanting more space in my life, more time to do just one thing instead of flipping between competing priorites and projects slotted in amongst everything else. I asked her how high achievers do it and she just shrugged and said that she said she thinks our culture values busyness over many other things and that she doesn't think it's always particularly good for us. We talked about how I have tried to arrange my life so I am not too busy (and really working three days a week is pretty OK) and yet I always seem to be filling my days and nights, ending up feeling pressured and frustrated with myself for not getting everything done. And this is why I fall into colds. Although I guess to be fair, I do work in a very customer contacty job and look after a child that spends two days a week at the germ exchange, otherwise known as a childcare centre.

We also talked quite a bit about blogging and writing, about taking photos and how this process has been quite important to me. The old doctor was always lot easier about saying that this was a good thing for me to be doing. This doctor makes me work a bit harder. I still don't really know why it is so important to me, this writing business. Is it about holding onto something that I once nearly had and that I'm scared to lose before I have the proper amount of time to fully immerse myself in. Will I ever be able to write a book? Could I ever get over the hurdle of thinking that it is too big a project? Would I ever be able to commit? Is blogging enough in itself or am I just biding my time?  Mmm. Well, I guess questions like this come out when you've been out drinking and then sit down at the keyboard. Who knew that vodka and apple juice was so nice? And that might also be the reason why not one of the photos I took tonight turned out. But I rather like this one from ealier in the month. In the future this land will be covered in housing. Hopefully some of it public and low cost housing. Should be happening now, but isn't.



mim said...

lovely to have you and your lovely fam to visit, thanks 4 spending my bday with me x

kate said...

I was at a workshop all last weekend, which was simultaenously marvellous and confronting, thinking about why we write (or draw or play music, whatever) and why we don't. The facilitator made the fabulous, obvious, can't be said often enough point that you don't sit down and write a book. You sit down and write a hundred words, then tomorrow you sit down and write another hundred words (or whatever your target for the day is given the other stuff you need to do) until eventually the story is finished, or there are enough stories to make a collection.

Janet said...

Mmm yes. Kate I know this, in a rational sort of way. It's fantastic to be
reminded of it though. I've tried to write a novel before and the size of
the project, the utter complexity of it just overwhelmed me. So I guess I
wonder whether it's because I'm not up for that sort of big work, especially
spending all that time and effort on something that may or may not work out
- it's a big investment for something where the act of writing may be the
only reward - or whether I'm just holding off because I don't have the space
in my life or head at the moment.
Although I have grown up a lot since then and maybe one day one of the books
in my head will be so insistent on coming to the page that I just have to do
it. Or not. Who knows?
Are you thinking of writing a book or some other big project?