a case of the septembers

I've had lots of things that I've wanted to post, but life has been getting in the way. As usual. Indeed there are a whole lot of drafts sitting there waiting to be finished off or tossed because the moment has passed. But to be honest, I think I'm a bit tired of this blog. Tired of my writing, tired of my pictures. Feeling ugly and clumsy and wordy. Not enough grace, elegance or beauty. Serves me right for looking back I suppose. It doesn't help that I really am over typepad. Now that I'm doing a lot in blogger over here, I really am a convert. Problem is, moving will not be easy. But yeah, it's not a case of "if" anymore, it's definitely a "when". Is there anyone out there who has done it? Or knows of a blog that has? I've been following the google converter hoping that it will become more developed, but maybe I'm just going to have to bite the bullet. When I have time.

And the wind. How I loathe this wind rattling the windows and blowing polystyrene boxes around the yard. I've been saving them to plant greens in but of course I haven't got around to it. It's warm and a harbinger of the good things of summer but yesterday when I got out Grace's birth certificate to place with her school enrollment papers (how did that happen - I have a school age child?) and I looked down at the children of previous relationship and after I noticed that our son has my surname and not G's like Grace does, I felt that feeling. That remembrance of grief that fills you like your insides are filled with rocks. I've been crabby ever since. And that wind is really pissing me off. Sad day is actually tomorrow, but I think it's always the weather that brings me a bit undone for a while. It's not as bad as it was, but I wonder whether I will still feel like this when I am an old woman?

I should really go and collect Grace for lunch. She's at a neighbours house where G is working. My bum is itchy, which means it is healing but it's irritating beyond belief and it's not really something I can scratch. And I should put moisturuser on my hands.  And reset all the settings on my camera and start anew. And make some trousers for work, simple easy ones that I can finish quickly because if it's too hot to wear boots and skirt but not warm enough for skirt and sandals, I am truly stuffed in terms of wardrobe choices. My last years trousers really are too tight. They were too tight last year and nothing has changed. Sigh. Yeah, so I should do something about that too. Yeah, well that was a Massive Whinge, wasn't it!

yeah, yeah, yeah. Life really is OK but I wish the wind would just stop and I could be bothered getting round to posting about the rabbit we made and the tofu recipe that is actually edible. You know good things. Thank goodness September doesn't last forever.


Frogdancer said...

Umm.... son? This must be back story I don't know... Go and give Grace a big hug.
Today is an odd sort of day. The wind is too strong and oddly too warm and yet the son is dull. It's actually not making me cranky, but tired. I'll be having a nanna nap soon.

Frogdancer said...

When I said 'the son is dull' I meant to type "the SUN is dull..."
However, two of my sons are playing on their stupid ipods instead of doing something constructive, so perhaps it was a Freudian slip.

Kate said...

I'm with you with the tired. Even when I see the joy of the spring (and I am SO GLAD that winter is ending) a second later I am just tired again.
Father's day was a surprising milestone over here. Since it was never that big a deal in our family I thought (as usual) that I would be fine. I (as usual) wasn't. I was reading your old post and that line about the wrongness, like the grief, being buried under stone, really hit home. I feel a bit like I'm heavier than everyone else, like it takes so much more effort to do ordinary things. I am so tired of feeling broken and scratchy, and I'm sure it can't be much fun for the people around me, but there isn't much I can do about it. I feel some days like I'm wading through a swamp just trying to get ordinary thigns done, and after all that effort there doesn't seem to be much energy left for martialling my thoughts to blog (and do I have anything to say?) or anything else, much.
So there isn't much to do except wait it out. And not pretend, next time, that if I ignore a date it won't mean anything. I made an appointment for something on my birthday (the day they found my dad) the other day without thinking and then I freaked out. I'm going to have to call and change it and I don't want to.
But I don't want to talk about it, or blog about it because, yes. Life really is ok. It's not a big deal, only it is, I'll be fine, even if I'm not right now, and I don't want people to freak out because that's not what I mean.
And no, September doesn't last forever, and neither does any other month. 'Nothing lasts forever' never sounded so sweet. Here's hoping the wind dyes down over there.

Cristy said...

I hope the wind stops and your mood lifts. I just read your post about your son and shed quite a few tears. How simply awful. Do take good care of yourself.

suse said...

Your blog doesn't feel ugly, clumsy or wordy to me. It has its own very defined and individual personality, and I love it. (I understand the need for change though. Like Mary Poppins when the wind changes).
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

melinda said...

edible tofu, i look forward to it, as i do your every post.take care.
i love your blogs.

Laura said...

Its OK to be undone....one is MEANT to be undone by such things. 'Tis very human to be so.
I hope the undone-ness eases somewhat year by year. It would not be disloyal to allow it to be that way.
Do you have a memorial somewhere for Frank? A memory box? It can be fabric, a small quilt perhaps. Something to hold his family's thoughts of him, and his meaning to them.
I often feel that families don't allow themselves to feel justified in their grief when a pregnancy is interrupted. I happen to (gently) disagree with them, and make it clear that this is a very real loss to their family, and worth being undone about. For however long it takes.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Alby Mangroves said...

I hope that yesterday you had happy thoughts as well as sad ones Janet.. I hope you are OK, thinking about Frank will always be tinged with sadness I think. Sending you lots of hugs xx

kate said...

Grief is a wild ride isn't it? It changes, and sneaks up on you when you think it's safely put away.
When I was having pregnancy screening I started to wonder what I'd do if there was bad news, and I had this awful realisation that the Bloke and I would have to deal with it alone, that there were very few people I'd trust to tell the story to. So thankyou, for so generously sharing yours.

victoria said...

I love your wordiness and photos. And your words and photos are always always always beautiful.

Monica said...

I found your blog sometime ago while I was drifting through the internet. I keep coming back and revisiting it because you are able to give voice and sight to some haunting, vital things, to make recognizable emotions that churn through my own life. Your writing is beautiful and important and I wanted to thank you for it.

Eleanor said...

I just want to say that I think you're wonderful and beautiful in your blog, as you are in person.
That's all.
(Except that I also want to say how I love Suse's comment about Mary Poppins changing with the wind. I wish I had thought of that! Damn)
E xxxx

M said...

I'd be all undone too. Let's hope for the east wind. And thank god for the story telling power of blogs.

Fiona said...

I love your blog Janet, and although you must do what you must do please know also that the way you write and how you talk about your life is special. Somehow you have an ability to expose the beauty, poetry and meaning that is hidden in the details of domesticity, I find it comforting and inspiring. I wish you love and strength as you live through this time,

suze said...

What especially beautiful photos.