I haven't felt much like writing recently. Stuff has been happening, good stuff, not so good stuff, hardly any bad stuff. Mostly I've been feeling lost. There are some pockets of ease, times when I feel I know where I am, spaces that feel mine. But they've been islands in a sea of discombobulation. Although the shakiness I felt last Tuesday (shrink day) has gone, as have the tears (Friday and Tuesday). I put it down to moving and my doctor says to expect it to take some time. We visited our old house last Saturday to finalise some paperwork and I think that visit was at the centre of it all for me. The old house looked the same from the front but on entering it smelt different, looked funny and I had to refrain from saying well, you know it just won't work arranging the furniture like that. Because it's not my house anymore. Which I'm OK with on all rational levels. So I picked some flowers from the garden and talked to the new person about what plant was what and how if she made a frame for the virginia creeper (G took it down because it was crumbling) she would be able to sit under red leaves in autumn. But she'll have to find out all these things out for herself. I don't think I'll go back again unless I need to get a cutting from the garden. Well, maybe not for a long time. Grace seemed to find it all a bit difficult too and clung to me as I was trying to sign paperwork.
Good things that have been happening: we've been to the pool a few more times. I still feel all gooey when I go there and see all these people enjoying it. And on the really hot day, I thought to myself, where would all these people go, if they weren't here? There's a free day at the pool on Sunday, which I'm guessing will be a cracker and packed. Please come if you live in the area and feel so inclined. Week days and when it's not so hot tend to be less crowded and very, very pleasant. A very good place to while away a warm day reading a book in the shade. What else? Oh, we went to a regular Friday night in the park gathering and met lots of our lovely neighbours. Grace has been asking about dinner in the park ever since. And that's right, we are now even closer to our favourite trash and treasure market, which we visited on Sunday. And we bought door handles! A whole house lot for $30. With octagonal bakelite handles. They're much fancier (and maybe a little earlier in period) than what would have been in the house originally, but G has put two up already and we love them. I also got some other stuff. Trifles really, but I'm looking forward to using my new vase. And G was most enthusiastic about his pipe wrench and the big box of cup washers from the man who used to sell paper ephemera but has since moved into old hardware.
Work has been trying on a few levels. One of my colleagues acts in a way that makes me want to slap them fairly constantly, which would be mighty unprofessional, so there's some anger that I'm carrying. However after cracking the shits in a major way about not ever getting my lunch until well after lunchtime, because said colleague never went or returned on time (which I never said directly because that would be dobbing but everyone knows), I now have the earlier lunch spot (which was deemed an easier solution than anyone discussing matters with said colleague). Whatevever. I don't really care, this issue has been going on for months and months. Now I'm having lunch at a reasonable time, I'm also not having to work through the whole busy lunch period getting hungrier and crankier and busting to go to the loo while everyone else has their turn at having lunch. Of course sometimes I will (as will everyone else) have a late lunch because I get caught up in something that takes a long time, but it shouldn't be every day. Anyway. I've also negotiated new hours starting in a couple of weeks. An extra day a month at work (which I'm not totally happy with but you have to give to get sometimes and it is a trial), but shorter days all in a row, which means longer weekends. And a later start time so I can catch a bus which connects well with a train and have some time at home with my little family in the morning. Which might help me feel a bit more connected with my life again. And as a bonus, I had some leave approved for next week which means I have the whole week off. Woohoo!
Oh, and another good thing. We have discovered the most awesome Lebanese fruit and nut shop, just blocks from our house. Mostly fantastic fresh produce (including the best cherries I have ever tasted) and great breads, dips etc. The sort of shop where I couldn't find the cracked wheat for looking, because there were more than ten kinds for sale. A place that smells like food and where they offer you a coffee while you shop.