(un)settlement

Had another psych visit on Tuesday. It was our third meeting following the demise of Dr X. My new doctor is pleasant and professional but there's no history between us yet and I don't feel as though she knows how I work. Or vice versa. Anyway, as predicted, new doctor wanted me to increase my medication. I have, although I delayed until Thursday night so as not to be so affected at work. I'm not at all happy about it. Now as well as feeling anxious, I feel stupid and drowsy. I do understand that about being well covered during this time, but on the other hand feel that adjusting medication right now is a big ask. When I challenged her and said that if the dose was that far under the theraputic level, then perhaps I didn't need the medication at all, she looked rather alarmed. And then agreed that the level of medication I was on was still having a significant effect. I mentioned that I had this particular thought quite frequently as I became well again. but that I had no intention of going off the medication at this point, because I didn't want to be unwell again. New doctor relaxed a bit. Even cracked a smile.


I miss my old doctor. We had talked alot about medication levels and the balance between feeling a range of emotions, feeling creative and alert and being stable. I got the feeling that old doctor was prepared to keep my medication at the lowest possible level to keep me compliant on it. If she'd have said that it was really in my best interest to increase my dose, then I probably would have just sucked it up. When I had talked with my GP, he thought my dose was very close to the theraputic range and that I seemed OK. Indeed, I feel like I've been doing pretty well, no days off work, no major disharmony in my life, no major mood swings either way, sleeping well and going about my business. If I feel a little anxious at times, well we're about to spend a huge amount of money on a tiny, somewhat smelly house in a new area where there are no trams just outside the door. I'm sure it will all be good, but you know, there's an element of risk and big change here so it's one of life's stressful times. It's normal to feel a little anxious, yes?

So. Next week we settle on our house. All going well. There have been some hiccups with the paperwork. None of it really our fault, but time consuming and anxiety inducing nontheless. I remember last week at the bank asking some questions about the process of settlement. Only to be told that it was all automatic. Which I foolishly believed. I should have known there would be a form to complete for that part of it. Afterall, I do do bureacracy for a living! It turns out that there was a missing form in our loan pack and that the junior Mr Bostonov hadn't picked it up.  Anyhow, while Grace was at her first morning of childcare, we met with the branch manager who sorted it all out. He produced the missing paperwork for us to sign, rang other departments to check that all was OK and thouroughly explained the the anwers to all my questions. I left feeling that eveything was well under control, unlike last week. Lesson here, if you think someone doesn't know what they're talking about, they probably don't. And thank goodness for competent, serious bureacrats.


Grace's first half day at childcare was a wrench for both of us. Eventhough I feel totally fine about the centre. She skipped in with excitment but became cautious as she realised that she couldn't free range like at home and then retreated to observe. Once it was nearly time for me to leave for the house inspection, I gave her a big cuddle and said goodbye and that I would be back after lunch, but before nap time. Then she burst into tears. Big sobs. We'd talked about childcare and that mummy or daddy leave you there and then come to pick you up later. But the reality was just so much harder. I got her blanket and gave her another cuddle. Then I retreated to the staff room for a cup of tea and a little sniffle myself. When I finally left and peeked through the window, there she was, sitting at a little table, engrossed in an activity. Not crying. But the wrenching feeling stayed with me all morning. When we collected her, she greeted us with a big smile, saying with obvious joy and relief, I'm so glad to see you, mummy and daddy. It will take a few visits for us both to feel in the rythym of it.

Still, amidst the anxiety and downer of the big stupid pills, it's all very exciting. This weekend is the very last weekend where this house which has been my home for nearly half my life is the physical centre of that life. Next weekend our focus will be on the new house and turning it into our new home. Next weekend, I imagine I'll be pulling up carpets and cleaning, walking around and checking out every inch of the house in detail. Yesterday, I stocked up on gloves and hardcore cleaning supplies because that will be the first thing I have to do. I remember spending hours washing the kitchen walls when I moved in here. I'm also thinking about about tiles for the bathroom and paint colours for the walls. Moving the little fruit trees that are starting bud. And about getting ready to move.

12 comments:

  1. You'll be right Janet.
    I sympathise about the doctor business, I understand the importance of a trusting relationship, I stopped seeing mine for 4 years because he wasn't listening to me, but we eventually worked it out, and met half way and I confess I am so much better for it.
    Just takes time, I guess. So long as she doesn't start treating you like a mad person, in which case find a new doctor.

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  2. Gee, that settlement came around quickly! It seems like only last week I was sending you a comment congratulating you on the purchase.
    I'm a little envious. Despite the facts that I hate cleaning (and you're right, you'll be doing a fair bit of it) and I love my little house, you'll be having such an exciting feeling of POSSIBILITY and plans for decorating. It's a lovely time.

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  3. That's a tricky time, getting to know a new doctor (and it takes so damn long to know each other well enough for trust to develop!)
    On the other hand, new house is sooo exciting (and yes, so exhausting with all that cleaning (two houses!) and packing and sorting and deciding...

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  4. The house thing IS very exciting and I hope it goes well. The paperwork not so much fun but the house will be yours!
    I hate asking questions and would probably have not even got the extra bit of paper that was needed.
    Good luck with the move.

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  5. Hope you find the right balance with the new meds and the house settlement. I would be beside myself with anxiety, so maybe an extra whammy on the happy hormones will be a good thing to get you through.

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  6. Hurly burly. In the middle of a big storm, it would be a good time to have some continuity of care! I hope things settle on the therapeutic side so you can really enjoy the excitement without being too overwhelmed by the exhaustion and anxiety of such a momentous step! Dying to see the new place :-)
    xxx

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  7. I am learning that nothing (and I am on a pretty high dose of my particular medication) will totally alleviate the butterflies and skin rashes if I am doing something that anyone would feel anxious about.
    I did know that the lower dose for me was doing nothing!
    And really what an extraordinary amount of stuff you have going on - not only with the house but with the little one settling in to day care.
    Be gentle to yourself!

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  8. well, you have enough things to be anxious about medded or not!?!
    but hang onto the fun stuff, the planning, sprucing up and decorating how you want of the new place
    new beginnings and all
    wonderful

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  9. I remember that wrenching feeling of the drop off. Lu is always happy to go to kinder but that sense of sending such a small thing out into the world still makes me feel so shaky and teary.
    Can't wait to hear about the new house. As Frogdancer sais - all that possibility! On a much earlier mentioned point of the absent garden and the need for a jungle, have you thought about bean teepees?

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  10. I can relate to the anxiety issues, I have dealt with them for the last 7 years. Sometimes I have great days and others are not so good, a bit overwhelming where I feel sick about it all. I have to try somedays to get in the right frame of mind or otherwise my anxiety takes over. I am sure that once your settlement is finalised you will feel more at ease and relax a bit. That top photo looks like the St. James building in William Street. I used to work on the 4th floor there many years ago now.

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  11. I remember the first day of childcare like it was yesterday. The guilt and loneliness were horrible. The Ratbag was too young to care though, so at least one of us was OK... let us know if you need any help with your new place - happy to come and join a working bee :)

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