am I swimming?
Not really. Not sinking either, treading water perhaps? Grasping at the loose threads of my life as they swirl around me. Knowing that I want resolution, especially to do with houses, but that I'm really not ready yet. Especially to do the things that come after the fall of the hammer. I'm trying to be patient.
Part of me is starting to go inside again. People who don't know me really well mightn't notice, but the extroversion of the mania is dissappearing. Along with all the grand plans and belief that I could do anything. I don't really want to write about any of this, but I promised myself that I would, to keep a track.
Just as my mood has started to sink, I've succumbed to a nasty chest thing that saw me coughing blood (just from burst blood vessels) and sitting for an hour in an unfamiliar doctor's waiting room (my usual doctor being overbooked) so I could get antibiotics. The new doctor was nice and wrote me a certificate without even being asked. She seemed impressed that I'd wrtten a list of the medication I'm taking and I nearly cried. Then in the chemist, waiting for my prescription to be filled, I cried again. Later in the afternoon, I asked my psychiatrist if what I was feeling was normal and she said, oh yes, classic. It's one of the reasons people decide to stay on mood stabilisers, these crashing lows after the highs. We talked about how I had been feeling flat and uninspired and about some of the other not so great thoughts I've been having on and off. She gave me her 24hr contact line and suggested that after my holidays, once I've recovered from the chest thing, come off the sleepers and had my thyroid tested again, that we fiddle with the other medication. My sense is that I'm really tired too. If I wait just it out, it will pass. I am so looking forward to the beach.
Blue water at the Brunswick pool, a while ago. Taken the same day I took this one, which has become my most visited picture on Flickr. Wouldn't be the blue would it?
Enter blue world here.