's spring

Sort of like a meme I suppose, September seems full of s's round here. And most of them 'aint good.

Like sadness, (which is why I have a special category for it). September is the month our son, Frank was born and died. Sad day, as we call it round here, is next week and has sort of crept up on me this year. I thought I might get through the month with dry eyes and just a few sad thoughts. But yesterday, just before I left work, I rang G as usual to see if he wanted anything from the supermarket and he told me some heartwrenching news concerning some friends of ours in Tas. They've just found out that their baby, expected in about two months, has died and will be born this weekend. I sat at my desk in the corner of the nearly empty office and cried. I so wish there was something I could say or do that would make everything better for them, but I know there isn't. You are in our thoughts.

Shadows. Eventually, I went and washed my face and said my goodbyes and walked out onto the street with my blurry eyes behind the big sunglasses and just missed a tram. So I decided to walk a bit. I kept on walking, thinking, watching the light and seeing the shadows everywhere. Took some pictures, my camera being a smoking substitute when I'm stressed. Walking is also good, I need to do more of it. I was halfway composed when I got home.

Snot, sinuses and soldiering on. I'm on week three of my cold. I seem to get better and then catch something else, or else it's mutating. Half the office is sick and soldiering on, the customers and the interpreters are ailing and the checkout girl at the supermarket didn't look to good either. It's everywhere. Grace is on week two and G has just caught it and although he says he's getting better, he sounds and looks pretty crook.  It's starting to affect my moods so I've decided to stop soldiering on. Today G went back to bed in the morning and I lay on the couch and watched videos with Grace, and then had a nap in the afternoon. Next week if I'm not better, I'm taking some time off work. Bugger it.

Smoking sucks. Tonight we had an early dinner with a friend of ours who is on his second round of lung cancer. He used to be a furniture maker which may have contributed, but definitely smoking is a factor. I didn't think he'd want us to come and share our lurgies but he seemed to think it wasn't going to make any difference. He's thinking of his life in months now. I can't tell you how sad this makes me. Or how it feels that my my mother won't give up smoking, or even cut down, which would be a start. I know it's hard, really I do but then so is dying before your time (and I know I need to lose some weight, glass houses and all).

Sunshine. The air is full of it. Jasmine and blossoms of all different kinds. Even though it brings hayfever, the air feels soft and scented, a promise of warmth to come. We need more rain, but the sun on your shoulders in the park of a morning is pretty darn nice. It isn't all doom and gloom. The warmth that still feels gentle, even though summer may well be really harsh. It's nice to delude yourself for a while. I like it that the days are getting longer.

Sweetness. Chocolate self saucing pudding. Ridiculously easy to make. Yummy even if you leave the egg out because your brain isn't working as it should.

Ah, spring.


suse said...

Ah, big fat squishy hugs to you my friend.
Sad month indeed.

Stomper Girl said...

Well I send hugs too. Thankyou for sharing the story of Frank, I do think it is important to mark your grief in some manner, as a way of being able to get on with things again whilst still acknowledging the weight of what you've been through.
I hope the Spring sunshine warms your sad heart a bit.

ThirdCat said...

take care of yourselves

shula said...

For you, September. For me, May. Every year I think I'm going to get through it dry-eyed, but something always lands me on my ass.
There's no escape. Gotta pay that piper, I guess.

Sian said...

Thinking of you x

Susan said...

Ah, thinking of you guys, and Frank, when I read this post. And I hope the earthly viruses are giving you a break. Frank and Tallis, it'd be cool if you were hanging out.

VictoriaE said...

Sinuses, suck. I'm with you. I think October will be better.

Sue said...

Thank you for sharing Frank with us. It must be so hard to not think of him everyday. I hope that your family recovers from all those nasty germs that everyone seems to have at the moment. We seem to have run into the chickenpox germs at the moment, and the flu too.

daisies said...

oh honey ~ big warm hugs and a few tears shed over here ... i was thinking that its funny because spring is my sad time and not fall and then i got to the end and realized spring is your sad time too ...
lots of love