if you haven't got anything good to say...

There have been a million and one posts composed in my head over the last week and over the weekend. We've been having a roller coaster old time around here and it's kind of hard to think of anything to say. I have a lot of crafty things to write about but I feel blocked. Blocked by the post I composed while lying on the couch at my mothers place on Saturday afternoon, wrapped in a blanket and a poncho, out of clean hankies, unable to get warm because I didn't know how to turn the heating on and I was unable to get up and suggest it to Lance. Blocked by the post I would have written after I got up and played with Grace when she woke from her nap. And tried to explain to her that Nana wasn't there, that she'd gone out in her car for a while.



Then of course there would be the post that I would have written on Saturday morning as I sat on the wet foam mattress in the backyard, crying, fuming and watching a big black rabbit loll around on the grass and sample bits from our vegetable patch. Grace is frightened of the rabbit, even though she's seen the benign ones on teletubbies (I am so loving teletubbies at the moment, really). Maybe because the rabbit is big and  black. I think it must be an escaped pet because it turns up in our yard every few days or so.



If I was writing fiction instead of a blog, there would be more I could say. I'd make up characters and have them live the truth of what I'm feeling and thinking, without having to put a precise point on anything. It would still upset my family when they read it, but they'd never quite know what was true and what wasn't. Even if the fiction created a bigger, more honest truth; with much more unspoken and unstated. Where conflict hung in the air and the reader brought their imagination and experience to make it live on the page. But blogs aren't like that. Or at least, I don't know how to make them like that.

Still there's a lot I don't want to say because once you start saying stuff, maybe that's what will happen. Which is not what I want at all. And after all the high drama and tension, I do sense that a true turning point may have been reached. That things could get better from here. So I'm going to breathe. I'm going to enjoy my work and revel in the fact that two year olds are too young for true empathy, which is kind of refreshing in a way. I'm going to channel the teletubbies, who have big group hugs and who all love each other. And I'm going to do my best and hope for the best. Which is really all one can do.

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ps thirdcat has a really fantastic post on blogging that I think everyone should read, if they haven't already. And these image manipulations, distraction from writing, eventhough I normally get straight to it. I think I may have been inspired by this. Even if I feel clumsy by comparison.

Phew, maybe I can write about craft next time.

11 comments:

  1. yes, me too (hugs I mean!). It's a fine art, saying what you want to say without really saying it. I'm always unsure where my line is. I'm forever writing posts in my head, they are much more interesting and well written than my real blog! take care.

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  2. Thinking of you, and sending Po with a Big Hug :)

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  3. Also, I found giving my two year old a good tickle was good, because it made him laugh and I couldn't help laughing along.
    Things sound hard. Take care of yourself.

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  4. I hope the high drama has stayed settled and your two year old is making you smile :)

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  5. Yes, let us not forget that the Teletubbies not only love each other: they love each other Very Much!
    (So much, in fact, that they've been banned in parts of the Bible Belt, bless 'em)
    ***

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  6. those photo manipulations say so much and they are incredible !! wow!
    hugs

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  7. It IS a hard decision to make about what you can blog about and what you shouldn't. And I think only the truly anonymous bloggers can really say it all! Me, I keep it nice because everyone knows I blog. So when I re-read in 20 years time, I'll only be reminded of the sanitised or the happy stuff that everyone knows about and the things that made me sad today will be a vague memory. I'm not sure yet whether that's a good thing or not.
    I hope you are feeling better now...

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  8. You have said a lot without saying it. Maybe you should write some fiction too. You seem to be able to write stuff that others (me included) can apply to their own feelings/experiences even if they're actually totally different. Isn't that one of the great things fiction writers do?
    On a lighter note but of no less importance - when Teletubbies first came out (I think it was when I was 19, just married, still a child myself...) I used to get up early in the morning just to watch it!! And I didn't have kids!
    p.s. winter doesn't last forever

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