Still travelling in a downwards direction

Monday seems to have become the red letter day in my week. The day that our circumstances crowd into my head and I loose my tenous grip on feeling OK about everything. It used to be a day at home, just Grace and I, a day when I would get everything back on track after the weekend. Not one of negotiation and being prodded. Yesterday had it all, grinchy housework, petty squabbles with G in front of the child, stony silences and that crippling feeling of grey inertia. Coupled with a nasty anger that caught in my throat, rendering me silent lest my words escape all sarcastic and bitter. All this despite getting everything done. Despite Grace being totally charming and well behaved at the supermarket and despite the fact that I looked into the trolley at the checkout and thought, man we eat well. It even looks healthy.  Once again conversations were had and reassurances made. More from me, but I know the intent is there on his part. We both mean well, we just get under each others feet sometimes.

After shopping, Grace and I shared one of those syrupy easter eggy type things in the car. I like hanging out with her, chatting. She's learning new words every week. Favourites at the moment are More (for anything good or desired), Bubee (for babies and children) Popo (for compost, she's going to be a little earth gardener, I can tell ). So not everything is crap. But there's a lot at stake. For all three of us.

Last night I had dinner with my dad and my sister at a local eatery. Sometimes we go somewhere a bit schmicko and eat too much good food and drink too much really good wine, which my dad chooses because he knows about that sort of thing. But last night I couldn't bear the thought of having to leave the neighbourhood, or the thought of over attentive service. One place we went to last year had a waiter that ran a special crumb brusher over the table cloth between courses with Mr Bean type mannerisms, which when I am feeling myself, is hugely funny. Last night it might have made me cry. Today has been better, but I've realised that my reactions to life stresses are heading in dangerous directions. It's normal to react to these things, of course, but I think my brain chemistry is starting to change. I'm less and less able to get back on my feet and see my way forward. I'm starting to loose the ability to manage my moods with everyday sorts of things like exercise, order and sewing.  Grey inertia will do that. I've made an appointment to see my doctor. It may even be time to consider drugs. Looking back over my blog archives, I can see that this has been brewing for a while.

I have very mixed feelings about taking anti-depressants. I never used to have any problems taking "recreational" drugs. The first time I had zoloft, I buzzed around the cafe where I worked saying that it felt like having quarter of an e every morning. Which it did, for a while. Then it just felt normal, but like all my feelings were in a jar over the other side of the room. I could take them out and examine them, but not feel them. Even the really great ones. My sex drive disappeared and given that I was unpartnered at the time that should have been OK. At least in a temporary sense. But I missed that edge. Nothing felt sharp any more. So I took myself off the pills and everything was fine for a while. The next depressive bout, I just got through with yoga and time. I didn't need to be medicated again until the post natal psychosis hit. I quite liked the lithium and would have kept taking it for longer if it wasn't for the gastro style side effects. I've been reading up on it all again at my favourite site for mental health obsessives, crazy meds. Thing is, if I go to the doctor and talk to myself sternly enough, maybe I can do it without the drugs. It will just cost more. And be harder. It's not that I think taking drugs is the wrong way to go, I just don't like them. But I will if I have to.

Todays illustrations are from Playhour Annual, IPC Magazines, Ltd. 1969. It's not in very good condition but is full of charming pictures of The Magic Roundabout Children, Rolf Harris and Coojeebear and much more besides. Just looking at that picture cheers me a little, where "there are so many gay things to to. When Sonny and Sally finished their ride, they played Giant Draughts, and then had a trip on the camp paddle steamer. Then went on anything again."  Sign me up, is all I can say. Twenty cents, along with some other beauties, from the local oppy with the grumpy lady who ignored Grace going Hello, ello, ello and bye, bye, byeee to everyone who walked in or out.

Mum, Grace and I visited the oppy on the beginning of our walk to the outer fringes of Moreland.  Checking out potential areas in which to live, should we decide to buy a house later in the year. Deciding that I don't want to live next to the freeway and thinking it would be better to move further north. Or to decide that we would still enjoy life with a (much) smaller backyard. We're not in any hurry, we could probably stay in this house for another 20 years. Just looking and considering which areas we like. And at least if I couldn't get my morning going early enough to get to the gym, I did walk up and down hills. For hours.


shula said...

Have you considered West, Janet?
It's cheap.
There's a river.
And we're here.

Penni said...

There's a really beautiful part of Preston next door to Coburg, with a great primary school and a beaut teeny little strip of shops with an organic grocer, a biodynamic butcher (oh that's right, you're veggie - but it's a nice principle) and a little IGA. Psorakos in Thornbury (fruit and veg et al) is close by as is Preston market for bigger shops. The bordering streets are Miller, St Georges, Bell and Gilbert. Actually, it extends between Miller and Merri Creek too. It's really worth a look - it's still within the realms of affordable rent and there's lots of beautiful Californian Bungalows and nice streets.
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. :(

Janet said...

Thanks. I'm still pretty attached to the idea of living in Moreland. Within ten minutes drive of mums, for easy babysitting and such. Although I do like the sound of a river, a cool butcher (only G is vego) and of course, cool neighbours.
And yech, the struggle. The things you write at night after a glass of red...

joyflea said...

I wish I could offer words of wisdom, or some form of encouragment that doesn't seem hollow.
I'm not the touchy, feely type but...*mental hugs*

Lazy Cow said...

I can't pretend I know what you're going through, but someone close to me is on antidepressants, and has been for years (and probably will be forever). She tells me about her struggles with mental health, and man, it sounds hard. If you trust your doctor I'd go with what they suggest. Take care.

holli said...

I remember how Mondays just made me SICK. Sick I tell you - but you would have to go back to when my blog was even more full of madness.
As for the medications - I'm the worst person to ask about that. I had doctors get me so out of whack, it took forever to get my head back on straight. Is my head back on straight? Don't answer that.
You'll know what's right for you after a few test runs and some research.
Big hugs and here's to finding Happyland.

em said...

I'm on celexa (US name, I'm not sure what the aussie version is called - cipramil?) and it has worked extremely well. I never feel out of touch with my feelings etc. Sex drive is fine ;) I think different anti-depressants can work very differently (of course, you'd know this) so it may be worth discussing with your doctor. I used to "battle through" without medication, but I can't see the point anymore. My brain is chemically unbalanced, so why fight it?

kel said...

sounds like the grey clouds are descending, but it's a good sign that you realise that, isn't it?
have you tried hypericum [st johns wort]?
herbal remedy - the most widely used treatment for depression in Europe

Rachel said...

Oh, Sweetie, do take care of yourself. sometimes we all need a little tune up. I've done the pills route and the therapy route, too . Be kind to yourself. Don't rush too much. And get some help if you think you need some. Hugs from across the globe.
PS- I'll miss your garden terribly if you move. It's so gorgeous!

susoz said...

Would therapy be too expensive? I'd go that route if it were at all feasible. Meds are just a cover-up, imo.