Downhill from here

I think I can pinpoint the moment from which my week began to go a bit pear shaped and everything around the edges started to disintegrate. It is summed up in the photo below. A perfectly pleasant afternoon at my mum's house. Late lunch, because I went to the gym in the morning, went home and got Grace and then walked to mum's. Fast because as usual, I had procrastinated about the gym and was therefore running late. At the gym, I confronted the fear that has been creeping up on me for a few weeks now. My jeans have beome less and less comfortable, and I have started to favour certain outfits. Yes indeed, I am stacking on the weight again. About five kilos. Aaargh. More gym. Less food. Be hungry. Around this table I was saying that I wish I was one of those people who seem to naturally limit their weight. Who is content with one biscuit instead of wanting three. It's not like I'm back where I was, but five kilos is five kilos I don't want.
The Melways is out because we were looking at houses in the local real estate supplement. Looking at possibilities for later this year. Dreaming. Checking locations. A little further out, but we'll see. Just looking at a map makes me nervous. And aware of all the things that need to happen over the next few months. Like sorting out work and income. Like G getting a reliable job. He's got two degrees but has been out of the professional workforce for a while. There are various reasons I won't go into. It's not as if he's a bad worker or anything, he's just not all that good at playing the game. So, he's decided to go with his first degree but he needs to do a professional year. The surveying equivalent of articles. And it's hard. Nobody is being very friendly about it. And I'm going nuts because I want him to get this, so he doesn't keep doing crappy jobs with no prospects that end badly. At work I see what happens to people when their employment options shrink and it isn't pretty, definitely not what I want for my beloved. Despite the government rhetoric of wanting older people to re-qualify and to stay working, the older you are, the harder it gets. And I don't really want to be the full time worker in the family. It's really not the best option for either of us. The long term ideal as I see it, would be for both of us to work part time, about seven days between us.We're aware that G might need to work full time for a while to get himself into a position where he can do that, but...

So after this, my camera died. Just died. It was only the battery. So I went into town today. Which didn't really make me feel any better about anything. It didn't help that we'd been having a fight discussion, in which I was basically saying that he needed to pull his finger out. We have these discussions every now and then, even though I know that they don't really help anything. It's like all the words build up inside me until they come spewing out and everyone gets unhappy. So I walked around town feeling anxious, and having to call on the mobile to see whether everyone was all right. Which of course they were. So I started to have that little conversation in my head where I ask myself whether I am depressed or nutty, or whether all this is a normal reaction to the sorts of things that are happening in my life. Which I think they are, and I ask myself what the doctor would say, and then think maybe I need to go and see her again soon. And I'll pay her a whole lot of money for her to say what I thought in the first place, that this is a perfectly normal reaction to life stresses. Well, der. It's just that sometimes I don't trust my judgement on what's normal or not anymore. Which I think will be a long term consequence of that particular episode in my life.

I was looking for a new pair of bathers, and that was a whole lot of fun. Especially feeling fatter than usual. Sigh. I didn't buy any because the only pair I halfway liked were a size too big (how ironic) and not on sale at Target (possibly the only item of clothing in the whole shop that wasn't) and I couldn't face buying something I would have to alter at full price. As it was I couldn't face buying anything except the batteries and my lunch. Just. was. not. in. the. mood.

Well, I think that's more than enough whinging for tonight. How was your day?

By the way. They are not my cigarettes. I used to smoke rollies. Which I used to keep in a decorative wallet like folder. I'm missing smoking at the moment. Mum keeps leaving her other packet at our house. I look at them and go, nuh... But there's a part of me that can still feel the bliss. And man oh man, sometimes my fingers just itch to roll a cigarette. More than smoking even.

10 comments:

  1. Janet, I would rather eat dog poo than go bather shopping. Guaranteed to make a day trickier...
    Resist.
    From a hardened returned smoker.
    (I like the glomesh cigarette holder, tho).

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  2. Walking is the best exercise. Keep it up. It not only helps you lose weight but relieves stress. I know. I lost 35 pounds so far walking 3 miles a day 5 days a week. My husband walks with me so we spend an hour chatting. Great for the marriage too. Good luck. Love you site. - Elaine -USA

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  3. Thanks. That was a bit of a spew wasn't it? I feel so much better for it tho.
    Shula, I can't see myself going back to smoking because it took me many, many goes to give up and I never, never want to have to go through giving up again. But I'll always miss it. I like the glomesh too.
    Elaine, yes walking is good but I find my gym programme pretty effective too. I lost 12 kilos last year (I think thats about 30 pounds) and it's great for my head. Which needs something....
    What would I do without the internet, hey?

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  4. I'd rather have my teeth pulled than go bather shopping. But that's just me...
    I hope that you're feeling better today, and that the stress has lifted but just in case, and even if it hasn't, I'm sending good vibes your way.
    :hugs: Be kind to yourself.

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  5. Nothing sexier than cancer wrapped up in Gold Glomesh. Man, I used to l'adore Glomesh.
    I do the whole build-up/blow-up thing too. Wish I wouldn't, as no-one feels better for it, not even me. And I always end up feeling mean, petty, nasty, vicious. Even if my pointed concerns were true, and not imagined ...
    I wore a shirt yesterday I bought 3months into my pregnancy. My 5kgs seem to have landed on my tummy and my bingo-flaps. Am looking into gyms now, but only half-heartedly. As I have to buy sneakers and a tracksuit of types. As I own neither ( not even crappy old ones ) .. and I don't really want to go. And I doubt i'll keep going, so what a waste of money.
    But those 5kgs are very uncomfortable :(
    Good luck !

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  6. I've carrying an extra 5kg around at the moment too. It isn't fun squeezing into my jeans etc. I thought one was supposed to lose weight in summer?!
    Ironic that you have to work full time to get into the position to work part time... I hope something good turns up for G.
    I wonder about my mental health too. Should I try going off the anti-depressants (which were prescribed for post natal depression)? Is it worth it taking the journey when I'm pretty sure I'll end up back on them? Is the way I feel without them "normal" or not? It isn't easy.

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  7. You sound normal to me, given the stressful things going on, of course you'd feel like that. Bather shopping is the WORST kind of shopping. I would never eat just one biscuit..

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  8. Just passing through dears. Love your work except now I feel like a harry rag myself!

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  9. I can relate to G not wanting to "play the games" required in the workforce. I have that "illness" too :)
    As for bather shopping, I found the perfect pair just before Xmas, but staff put the price tag through the fabric and caused a big hole in them. I was not prepared to pay full price for a pair of swimmers that might fall apart after one wear, and they weren't prepared to lower the price. So, I still have my old pair . . .

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