Downhill from here

I think I can pinpoint the moment from which my week began to go a bit pear shaped and everything around the edges started to disintegrate. It is summed up in the photo below. A perfectly pleasant afternoon at my mum's house. Late lunch, because I went to the gym in the morning, went home and got Grace and then walked to mum's. Fast because as usual, I had procrastinated about the gym and was therefore running late. At the gym, I confronted the fear that has been creeping up on me for a few weeks now. My jeans have beome less and less comfortable, and I have started to favour certain outfits. Yes indeed, I am stacking on the weight again. About five kilos. Aaargh. More gym. Less food. Be hungry. Around this table I was saying that I wish I was one of those people who seem to naturally limit their weight. Who is content with one biscuit instead of wanting three. It's not like I'm back where I was, but five kilos is five kilos I don't want.
The Melways is out because we were looking at houses in the local real estate supplement. Looking at possibilities for later this year. Dreaming. Checking locations. A little further out, but we'll see. Just looking at a map makes me nervous. And aware of all the things that need to happen over the next few months. Like sorting out work and income. Like G getting a reliable job. He's got two degrees but has been out of the professional workforce for a while. There are various reasons I won't go into. It's not as if he's a bad worker or anything, he's just not all that good at playing the game. So, he's decided to go with his first degree but he needs to do a professional year. The surveying equivalent of articles. And it's hard. Nobody is being very friendly about it. And I'm going nuts because I want him to get this, so he doesn't keep doing crappy jobs with no prospects that end badly. At work I see what happens to people when their employment options shrink and it isn't pretty, definitely not what I want for my beloved. Despite the government rhetoric of wanting older people to re-qualify and to stay working, the older you are, the harder it gets. And I don't really want to be the full time worker in the family. It's really not the best option for either of us. The long term ideal as I see it, would be for both of us to work part time, about seven days between us.We're aware that G might need to work full time for a while to get himself into a position where he can do that, but...

So after this, my camera died. Just died. It was only the battery. So I went into town today. Which didn't really make me feel any better about anything. It didn't help that we'd been having a fight discussion, in which I was basically saying that he needed to pull his finger out. We have these discussions every now and then, even though I know that they don't really help anything. It's like all the words build up inside me until they come spewing out and everyone gets unhappy. So I walked around town feeling anxious, and having to call on the mobile to see whether everyone was all right. Which of course they were. So I started to have that little conversation in my head where I ask myself whether I am depressed or nutty, or whether all this is a normal reaction to the sorts of things that are happening in my life. Which I think they are, and I ask myself what the doctor would say, and then think maybe I need to go and see her again soon. And I'll pay her a whole lot of money for her to say what I thought in the first place, that this is a perfectly normal reaction to life stresses. Well, der. It's just that sometimes I don't trust my judgement on what's normal or not anymore. Which I think will be a long term consequence of that particular episode in my life.

I was looking for a new pair of bathers, and that was a whole lot of fun. Especially feeling fatter than usual. Sigh. I didn't buy any because the only pair I halfway liked were a size too big (how ironic) and not on sale at Target (possibly the only item of clothing in the whole shop that wasn't) and I couldn't face buying something I would have to alter at full price. As it was I couldn't face buying anything except the batteries and my lunch. Just. was. not. in. the. mood.

Well, I think that's more than enough whinging for tonight. How was your day?

By the way. They are not my cigarettes. I used to smoke rollies. Which I used to keep in a decorative wallet like folder. I'm missing smoking at the moment. Mum keeps leaving her other packet at our house. I look at them and go, nuh... But there's a part of me that can still feel the bliss. And man oh man, sometimes my fingers just itch to roll a cigarette. More than smoking even.


  1. Janet, I would rather eat dog poo than go bather shopping. Guaranteed to make a day trickier...
    From a hardened returned smoker.
    (I like the glomesh cigarette holder, tho).

  2. Walking is the best exercise. Keep it up. It not only helps you lose weight but relieves stress. I know. I lost 35 pounds so far walking 3 miles a day 5 days a week. My husband walks with me so we spend an hour chatting. Great for the marriage too. Good luck. Love you site. - Elaine -USA

  3. Thanks. That was a bit of a spew wasn't it? I feel so much better for it tho.
    Shula, I can't see myself going back to smoking because it took me many, many goes to give up and I never, never want to have to go through giving up again. But I'll always miss it. I like the glomesh too.
    Elaine, yes walking is good but I find my gym programme pretty effective too. I lost 12 kilos last year (I think thats about 30 pounds) and it's great for my head. Which needs something....
    What would I do without the internet, hey?

  4. I'd rather have my teeth pulled than go bather shopping. But that's just me...
    I hope that you're feeling better today, and that the stress has lifted but just in case, and even if it hasn't, I'm sending good vibes your way.
    :hugs: Be kind to yourself.

  5. Nothing sexier than cancer wrapped up in Gold Glomesh. Man, I used to l'adore Glomesh.
    I do the whole build-up/blow-up thing too. Wish I wouldn't, as no-one feels better for it, not even me. And I always end up feeling mean, petty, nasty, vicious. Even if my pointed concerns were true, and not imagined ...
    I wore a shirt yesterday I bought 3months into my pregnancy. My 5kgs seem to have landed on my tummy and my bingo-flaps. Am looking into gyms now, but only half-heartedly. As I have to buy sneakers and a tracksuit of types. As I own neither ( not even crappy old ones ) .. and I don't really want to go. And I doubt i'll keep going, so what a waste of money.
    But those 5kgs are very uncomfortable :(
    Good luck !

  6. I've carrying an extra 5kg around at the moment too. It isn't fun squeezing into my jeans etc. I thought one was supposed to lose weight in summer?!
    Ironic that you have to work full time to get into the position to work part time... I hope something good turns up for G.
    I wonder about my mental health too. Should I try going off the anti-depressants (which were prescribed for post natal depression)? Is it worth it taking the journey when I'm pretty sure I'll end up back on them? Is the way I feel without them "normal" or not? It isn't easy.

  7. You sound normal to me, given the stressful things going on, of course you'd feel like that. Bather shopping is the WORST kind of shopping. I would never eat just one biscuit..

  8. Just passing through dears. Love your work except now I feel like a harry rag myself!

  9. I can relate to G not wanting to "play the games" required in the workforce. I have that "illness" too :)
    As for bather shopping, I found the perfect pair just before Xmas, but staff put the price tag through the fabric and caused a big hole in them. I was not prepared to pay full price for a pair of swimmers that might fall apart after one wear, and they weren't prepared to lower the price. So, I still have my old pair . . .