When Grace was a newborn, she slept in a bassinet in our room & I used to listen for every little sound & gurgle. If they stopped, I'd have to get up & check her. At about 3 months she moved into her own room just across the hall. Still close enough to hear when she cries but not so close that I can hear every little sound. It was supposed to make me sleep better, but it didn't, not for quite a long time. Every night I worried, sometimes about SIDS but mostly about nameless, unformless things that could come in the night & take my baby away while I was asleep. Grace is 15 months old now & I still check her before I go to bed. I can't sleep unless I do. It must be instinctive because every mother I've asked does the same. I asked my mum when I'd stop & she said, oh no, not for a long time.

Sometimes I wake in the night & debate whether to go check her again. Mostly I don't & sometimes I fall back to sleep with that nameless dread lurking round my pillow. Then when I wake, I hear little chatter sounds as Grace plays in her cot or conversation if her dad has got her up already. If I get the chance it is truly magnificent just to curl into the doona & doze slightly listening to the morningsounds of my blessed little family.

No comments: