mum's the word

Happy Mothers' Day to all for yesterday! Wasn't such a great day for me, cumulative lack of sleep, dreary weather, small child issues & a feeling that the old black dog of depression was sniffing at my heels didn't really inspire celebration. Not that our little family is that great at celebrations, which is a pity. I have some great memories of outings with my mum & my nan when she was still with us. Mostly visiting gardens, & not only on Mothers' Day.

This year I had hoped that G, Grace & I might go on a day trip somewhere, get out of the city, refresh our eyes. G wasn't keen & honestly, the weather was so drear, it probably wouldn't have been very fun. We did, however, go to Coburg Trash'n'Treasure market & had about half an hour outside before it drizzled. Not a great market, but I did get some old magazines, Family Circles from the mid 70's & boy oh boy are they weird. And not in a good way.  I also got Grace a big bag of mismatched wooden & plastic blocks which we are now tripping over on a regular basis.

So I'm trying to think of some good ways to ward off the evil black dog, without resorting to drugs. All of which, in my opinion, have side effects that suck; weight gain, loss of libido, loss of intelligence, feelings of being on drugs etc etc. It's good to know the drugs are there, if I really need them, because sometimes that's the way it goes. My GP reckons that excercise is the most effective treatment for mild to moderate depression, which is part of why I try to go to the gym 3 times a week. This seems to work better than walking. But walking doesn't require a hard to get spot at a creche, which Grace seems to hate.

She did settle well for some of the time & we didn't have the afternoon of excessive clinginess like last week. That was so bad, I thought of giving up going to the gym until she passed this stage. Everyone seems to be telling me that we need to keep going to childcare regularly, so it will pass, but I'm not so sure it works that way. Maybe it's totally natural for Grace to want to be with me, G or her Nan and I should wait until she's ready. If after a week or two, I don't see happier childcare time, then we'll go to plan B.  

It's a complicated cycle, depressed mother = unhappy small child. I'm sure Grace picks up on my moods and they influence how she acts. The worst thing is when I stop being available to her, eventhough I'm always up for a cuddle after a fall, I stop being playful & doing the fun things & well, I'm just not as present. So I'm going to try & build in a play session to our routine so that when I don't feel like it, it's still there, it's habit. And remind myself that presence is important.

Habit has worked to some extent with the housework. I do as much as I can in the time allocated, then leave it till next time. Regularity of the routine does seem to build up to a cleaner, nicer house and better meals. Being busy has always helped with the depression. As does writing. It's good to have found a way back again. I've been looking at lots of other blogs, mostly women & mostly writing about some or all of the following; motherhood, craft, gardening, domesticty, sewing, op-shopping. And not a few featuring depression. There's so many great blogs out there & compiling my list of favorites is going to be tricky. Already my favourites are overloaded with sublists & categories. How to choose?

Hopefully by the time my free trial time is up, I'll have mastered the art of the list & also will have learnt how to use my handme down digital camera & scanner acquired on the weekend from Dad's pile of worthwhile but superseded stuff. Love giving older technology a home. I'm planning a handmade masthead & a more graphic style. Then I guess once we get that under control, it's time to stop being a needle in a haystack & seek to become an active part of the blogospehere.  And I need to find time for the sewing, gardening and more sleep...

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